Depression has no colour
I know how Robin Williams felt, how countless others feel or have felt. The detachment whilst the world passes by. The resolve in your actions and desires that are contrary to the rules of nature. How does one find themselves contemplating suicide? One might describe it as a form of possession when ones faculties are truly lost, the thing is, there is no other voice fighting with you to see reason, just total abandonment and a sequence of actions to be played out to precision. It has to be perfect, just how your crazed brain visualised it. But what can leave someone so bereft?
Why some of us find ourselves having these sorts of thoughts whilst others do not is everyones guess, a lack of mental strength, strong moral compass or no grounding in reality could all be thrown out there, whatever, there is definitely a factor worth considering.
The truth is, we live in a world where nothing makes sense. I don’t even need to spell out examples because you know in your heart of hearts that I am right. I grew up believing that good actions beget good actions, but that is not always the case. I believed kindness would bring you love but it often brings you hate. It seems as though nothing good that you do guarantees you a positive response and that can be disheartening for even the strongest. See we live in a world where most people have chosen themselves. They advocate this desire for self preservation over everything else, justifying their actions with a need to exist above all else. These actions are applauded and they can be very divisive. It leaves one with less hope for a world of equity when most do not have a desire for it. As a black man I feel not the weight of racism, but the weight of division. Racism exists and it is unmatched in its stupidity, but it can be rationalised due to a shared understanding of self preservation. As a black man my deepest bug bear is the fact that people of colour haven’t worked out that we have the power to end all our suffering, so we continue to suffer. It is not about fighting fire with fire as we are led to believe, but by uniting in a common and positive goal. One that doesn’t divide us from our white or Asian brothers and sisters. Our greatest leaders with the greatest message have all left the building. Yes, we know why and we know that a great cruelty has been done to the black people of the world and continues to be so.
But when they tore down Tulsa we should have just built another one. Our ability to never quit should have been our battle cry, but we have found ourselves mimicking those that oppressed us, allowing our history to be hidden by the very fact that we are divided and oppressed. My forefathers found a way to read and write in amongst all that oppression and they taught eachother in the hope that one day they would be free.
I could write a list of reasons as to why anyone of any creed could be morose but I think I’ve said enough as I worry about the lack of attention their is for things of this nature. You will have to use your imagination to fill in the blanks, to remember how you feel every day about the world we could live in and the world we actually do live in. The world we have created for ourselves as though we always planned to sink the ship. We’d rather fight and hate on eachother than take on the real responsibility of this world and find a way to live in it together.
I have watched the greatest people I knew tear down their own houses metaphorically speaking. I have given people more than I was given and had it valued as nothing.
This world is complicated and better placed for psychopaths and that is why thoughts, suicidal thoughts have entered my mind. A mind that should know better. I wouldn’t say don’t worry about me, or people like me, because abandoning those that want nothing but the best for this world is like throwing the lifeboat out of a ship. I always say, however, that if I can feel like this, when I have a wonderful wife and beautiful and intelligent children who bring me joy every day, what must other people be going through?
Change can only start with not looking for a reason to divide, but a reason to love. Accepting a time to listen instead of a time to judge.
You can chalk me up as one of the weak ones or you can look into your heart and accept that noone is going to save you or us, but ourselves. In my moment of insanity or sanity, I realised that I was alone because I did not speak out. I danced around the truth because the world is numb. I don’t want to feel like that any longer.
So I know how Robin Williams felt, yet I am not at the top of my castle with the world at my feet, yet we share something in common. Depression has no colour, it just needs a heart to invade.